Addressing South Asian Gender Inequality

Over the past twelve months I have been proud to see the number of South Asians lending their voices to important campaigns addressing various inequalities. However, what about some of the inequality that is rooted within South Asian communities? What about acknowledging the privileges held by Asian males and inequality endured by women for generations?

Looking back to when I was a child, it was clear how girls were treated with stark difference to their brothers. There was a greater emphasis, and overall acceptance, that the girl would be taught how to cook, clean, manage the household and attend to the needs of men. Besides the need to learn vital life-skills, it was also felt like practice and preparation for when they ultimately become a daughter-in-law, perhaps living with their husband’s parents.

Not to say boys do not learn these skills, but there was less urgency placed on them to do so. I can admit to owning this privilege myself. For example, growing up, I was afforded the opportunity of creative expression in the kitchen, whilst my sister was under pressure to cook a full Gujarati meal and there are times I can recall her under duress to roll a stack of perfectly round rotli, without a kink in sight.

I do not wish to admonish previous generations — especially our parents — for treating us with these differences. Such things must be considered within a fair context. They taught us based on the type of world they believed we would grow up into. One that would not be dissimilar to their own.

It was tougher for previous generations to influence social change prior to the dawn of the internet and although they would have been pioneers for greater equality, they would also risk upsetting the status quo, thus becoming pariahs at a time when acceptance within a community was of paramount importance.

However, the internet changed everything and provided much needed platforms for minority or suppressed groups to amplify their previously hushed voices into the world. It sped up the process of social change and understanding of these groups. Powerful stories were given a chance to be told, provoking thought and reflection about many of the social injustices we had long-accepted as the norm.

Even though we are becoming more progressive, the sexism still exists. Not long ago, I was at a wedding and having lost some weight, a relative turned to my wife and said, “why has he lost so much weight, have you not been feeding him?” The comment was not malicious and was made in jest but that joke only works if said to a female. On the other hand, when I cook a meal, my wife is told that she is, “a lucky woman”, a phrase used time and time again. A woman cooking for a man is an expectation, reverse that and the man is congratulated with a pat on the back.

I am glad that South Asian people have stood side-by-side with other minority groups but we also need to observe and cast out the inequalities, which are deeply ingrained in our cultures. A failure to do so, makes those many social media posts I see about equality and fairness disingenuous.

There is a risk of me sounding pious, as if I am the angelic male ambassador for women’s rights, but the truth is I am still learning. But what I do know is that as South Asian men, we need to recognize the many advantages we have grown up with, and still own, to the detriment of our female counterparts.

Whilst I deter from criticizing previous generations, I feel it would be inexcusable for this current generation to avoid taking accountability in pursuit for equality. It may be irksome for some to have to realise, and then surrender, their privileges but in doing so we can begin to dictate a shift in our societal psyche, so that one day we can truly live in a progressive and fair society for all.

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After writing this piece, the response I had from South Asian women was incredible. Many of them told me that they were treated differently because of their gender, in various situations.

The stories were disheartening but also sadly familiar. They add further evidence to how women in our communities have been treated differently and the importance for something to be done in order to create progressive change in the name of equality.

Below, are some examples given to me by female readers who wish to remain anonymous.

“My dad would get asked by friends/family why he was sending his daughters to private school and wasting his money. He was told to send my brother only.”

“I was working in the South of England, my husband in the North. I felt pressure to leave my job so I could be with him and his family, even though I had worked hard for my career.”

“After getting married I noticed a tradition of men eating before women. A family norm I have broken through, as we all eat together now, but it was hard.”

“My grandma made me stop playing outside ‘like a boy’ so I could learn how to roll rotis from a young age.”

“As an only child and never felt like I was treated any differently, until male guests would arrive. When my cousin-brother came, I was expected to wait on him hand and foot”

“Growing up, I was encouraged to marry someone from the same caste. I met my husband at university, who was a different caste and my parents were fine with it. However, I later found out it was not because they had become more progressive but because I was a tall girl, they didn’t think they would be able to find anyone for me in the community”

“My mum still tells me that I am ‘lucky’ that my husband, who treats me as an equal, chose me as his wife. Not like I was self-aware enough to know what I wanted in a partner”

“I decided to keep my maiden name when I got married because I didn’t like the idea that I had been given away and not part of my family. I noticed that whenever I told other men about this they would tell me it was weird, but then struggle to justify why taking a man’s name was important. The truth is because they feel it gives the man some power over his wife and to reject it would emasculate him. However, for men to admit that, they would be acknowledging their own misogyny, which many still deny.”